Wednesday, February 06, 2008

two months

[written 1/18]

So much has happened that it's hard to know where to begin or how much to reveal here.

Seven weeks ago, I got the shock of my life. My world shattered. I've been grieving and struggling. I don't know what my life will resemble six months from now or even where I'll be living, but it's likely I won't be able to homeschool Eliza in the future, which kills me more than anyone realizes. I haven't been able to be the mother she deserves for the last couple months, which is cruelly ironic considering she's all I have.

* * * * *

[written 2/6]

I wrote the above a couple weeks ago but couldn't make myself post it. I got another shocking revelation last week, from which I'm still reeling, but I'm also more hopeful and stable than I was last month. I still don't know what the future holds, but I've been doing my best to get Eliza out of the house more often.

On a more positive (albeit far less life-altering) note, my house has never been cleaner, I've done a major workout every single weekday for 2 months straight (and have lost quite a bit of weight), and my credit card debt is shrinking. All that is my feeble attempt to change what little I have control over. The other week, I came across the following in Rosemary Remembered by Susan Wittig Albert, and it hit home:

"Have you noticed how often it's the little things - cooking eggs, weeding the garden, changing the oil - that keep us going, keep us sane? It's ordinary life that steadies us when we suddenly bump into something unfathomably dark and huge, hidden like an iceberg under black water."

9 comments:

Kate in NJ said...

Oh, I have missed you and don't have your e-mail...mine is KR209@VERIZON.NET....
I'm here if you need anything!!
((hugs))I wanted D.K. too!

Jenny said...

What an incredibly appropriate quote for you to have run across while you're struggling so. You've done some amazing things while you've been under a lot of stress- that shows real strength.

veganmomma said...

I just wanted to say that I am glad you are getting out of the house more, we missed you guys! You are a very strong woman, proven to me by how you are handling things now. You do have people who care out there, I just wanted you to know.

chanale said...

Thanks, everyone. :)

Kate - I had to reread my post a few times trying to figure out what D.K. was. ;-) I got it eventually - I'm just a little slow.

Jenny - I find that a lot of what I read or music I hear speaks to me now, and the odd thing is that it often happens when I least expect it (e.g., in a cozy herb-themed mystery of all places).

Sara - I keep hearing people say that I'm strong, but I feel so utterly fragile. Having Eliza around all day forces me to keep my composure (at least until she's asleep). I think I'd be a wreck 24/7 without her to keep me focused. I've been trying to hit all the Monday or Thursday playgroups unless it's raining, really soggy, or very far away. Eliza can't keep Monday and Thursday straight, so she was disappointed your A wasn't there today, but at least she got to play with the Monkey Family. :)

lola coca-cola said...

You are surrounded, probably more than you know, with love. Always remember that you can call on friends when you need help--I'm not very far away.

erika_deanne said...

Hugs to you, and E. I'm sorry that things are rough, but am happy to hear of your successes over the past couple of months. And know there are always people there.

veganbaby said...

Nice to have you back. Sorry you are not able to homeschool.

erika_deanne said...

tag your it!!! read my blog for the details

Daphne said...

Wow I have been out of the loop. I'm so so sorry that you're struggling and in a bad place. I have had a few dark clouds follow me in my days and if ever you need anything please let me know. Or even if you need to rant and ramble and have someone listen (I know you probably have a bazillion people for that, but I also know in dark times it's easy to feel as if your wearing people out - I could be a new ear). I'm going to do the tag this evening after my children are sleeping.